O wretched man that I am!

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that [it is] good. 
Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but [how] to perform that which is good I find not. 
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 
But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?  

             -Romans 7:14-24

Lately, this portion of Scripture has very much described me. With an overwhelming awareness of my sins, and my complete lack of self-control over those things which "I would not," despair and depression have been knocking at my door. How do I fight my sinful inclinations? How does one uproot sins which have been embraced for as long as one can remember?

People are complex. While I profess to be a follower of Christ, at the same time, I do that which is contrary to his teachings. I want to only follow Him, but then there are moments where all I want to do is follow my sinful impulses. It seems that every fiber of my being cries out to do one thing, while my mind is telling me that I know that I shouldn't. And what happens...? I do that which I know that I shouldn't. Over and over again.

Father Michael told a story in a couple of his sermons about a young monk who went to his spiritual father and confessed, "Father, I have fallen in sin." The spiritual father told him, "Get up." The next day the young monk came to him again and said again, "Father, I have fallen in sin again." His spiritual father told him, "Get up." The next day the young monk came to him yet again and confessed the same thing, to which his spiritual father replied again, "Get up."

I suppose that is what Christianity is: a life of falling and getting up again. But most importantly, getting up again and again. The question I have is how does one not fall into depression on the one hand (through the constant facing of one's impotency against sin) and despair on the other through a realization that we will continue to fall and fall and fall? The despair, the overachieving person within me, wants me to simply give up and stop trying. If I can't get it right all the time, and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, why bother?

But something just occurred to me. Perhaps, like Paul, I am looking at myself through the eyes of the Law. A fault of the Western worldview that I grew up in is that Western Christianity is legalistic. It views Christ, the Sacraments, and Atonement through legal means. Eastern Christianity has always seen Christ, the Sacraments, and the Atonement through a mystical means. But mystical does not mean unknown. It means that we can experience it and know that it is true, but we cannot capture it in words. God is not bound by our definitions or laws. He is. So instead of looking at my shortcomings and fallings through the eyes of the Law--in which I will ALWAYS be guilty and wrong, perhaps I need to begin taking on the mind of the East and viewing my life through the mystery of God's love for me in spite of my sins.

Paul's continues on in his letter to the Romans:

I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. 

 He thanks God... He has passed through the despair and depression to giving God thanks, through the incarnation of God--Jesus Christ. Thank you God for your mercy! Paul comes to be at peace with the fact that his flesh is sinful and keeps following "the law of sin" while his mind follows "the law of God." And yet, he insists in the next chapter that Christians must "walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." It is not enough to be content with the mind of Christ and not walk after Him. We must be converted completely!

But conversion is painful. Conversion is slow. I am impatient. I avoid seeing what I really am and I avoid
pain. And yet, my God and Savior embraced pain. He welcomed betrayal. His death was slow.

I am only left with the words of the Jesus Prayer which give me comfort: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!