Food as Sacrament

Recently, I went hunting with my dad. First of all, this is the first time that I have hunted--I mean, really hunted. not just plinking Blue Jays or lizards with a BB gun. I have never really taken up hunting because I don't like loud noises. I like guns ok, but loud bangs next to my face are not something that are pleasing to me. Anyway, I started hunting the hard way: with a bow and arrow. Granted, it was a compound bow, and some might argue that that is not quite authentic enough, but let me tell you, hunting with a bow is hard!

So one of the main reasons I wanted to start hunting was to re-establish the sacramental connection between us and our food. One of my big criticisms of modern life is that we have no connection with our food and no connection with our land. We talk all big about how we want organic food and free range eggs and so forth, but when it comes down to it, we are missing a connection between that animal in the field and the food on our plate. I think it is no small omission.

In my humble opinion, that disconnect between food and animal started happening back when farmers began to industrialize the way they raised animals and crops. Animals became a product to be streamlined and made more efficient, rather than a creation to be respected and honored as a gift. When we began to kill cattle, pigs, chicken, etc. on a mass scale, we began to depersonalize the death and sacrifice of the animals for our food. No longer did Farmer John raise the beef and Butcher Bob kill it, cut it, and wrap it up for us. Rather, a multi-national corporation owning bazillions of cattle crammed into tiny feedlots, fed a super-high protein diet filled with all sorts of animal by-products and antibiotics (whether they needed it or not), and sold it to the American public very cheaply.

I am not totally anti-big business. But I am suspicious of big business like I am of big government. They get too big for their britches and start to take advantage of others and have unethical business practices. So, getting back on point, I wanted to re-establish that sacramental connection between my food and me. So I went hunting for deer with my dad.

First of all, the time spent with my dad was great. I will always remember and treasure that time with him. Secondly, deer hunting with a bow is much quieter than with guns. For a good opportunity to shoot a deer with a bow, you need to be within 45 yards or 55 yards at most. To get that close to a deer, you need to be quiet. It was a good opportunity for me to sit still and be quiet. Thirdly, I loved the chance to be outdoors in the mountains. I love camping and fishing... and this was just great to be around a campfire every night and enjoy nature.

We hunted for about a week and saw some bucks and many does. However, we never got a good opportunity to shoot a buck--they were always too far away, or were high-tailing it away from us. On our last day, we decided to go out for a morning hunt before we packed up camp. We drove all around, not seeing much of anything. And then, there he was... standing, of all places, in the middle of the road about 150 yards ahead of us. A forked horn on both sides, just looking at us! He casually trotted off the road and up into the brush. Idling forward, we stopped right where we saw him. And immediately to our left, there he was, standing broadside to us about 35 yards off the road! My dad urged me to get out of the truck and take a shot at him.

My hands shaking, I quickly notched an arrow into the string. Slowly getting out of the truck, I turned around to see that the buck had moved. However, he had moved toward us! I drew back my bow and asked my dad, "How far is he now?" "Use your 25 pin!" My dad whispered back hurriedly. I lined him up with where I thought I should shoot, and let my arrow fly. It hit the deer with a satisfying thwack and the deer jumped and bucked once before taking off like lightning parallel to the road.

So that was the exciting part. The hunt and shot were exhilarating, no doubt. The tracking of my kill also was something that was quite fun--it heightened my senses and made me really look at things. However, the end of the hunt and tracking lead to the kill, and at the end of the day, the kill was the sacrament that I was looking for.

It is never joyous to see a deer dead. They are incredible creatures: beautiful, elegant, graceful... It is a sad occasion. This was no different. I crossed myself and thanked God for the sacrifice which this animal had made for me and my family. I thanked God for a not-terrible shot which killed this deer without too much suffering. And then we proceeded to field-dress it, and take it into town.

The effect of actually killing a deer was profound. For one, I found that I really do like hunting. For another, I discovered that even through all the excitement, the weight of that animal's sacrifice was not diminished. What made it more poignant was the fact that not only did we field-dress the animal, but we also skinned it and butchered it all ourselves. (And when I say *we* I mean that my dad did most of the work showing me what to do with me helping in a very minor way!) But what a contrast to what most people do nowadays... If we want some meat, all we do is go down to the store and pick up a pack of ribs. Do we even have a connection that those ribs belonged to an animal? I don't know. I think for the most part we don't think about that... and that is a shame. As we distance ourselves from the reality of death and sacrifice of animals for our benefit (i.e. Nature), we also distance ourselves from the reality of God. As we get out of touch with the land and our place here on earth, we lose touch with our Creator.

Maybe if more people had the experience to hunt, skin, and butcher their own meat, perhaps they would be more grateful for what it is they are partaking of. And maybe being more grateful, they might give thanks to the Giver of all things...

Glory to God...

New brew

I'm trying to make a new beer that is in the primary fermenter. It is a wheat-based beer that I will add blueberry juice to. Hopefully it will turn out good! Should be ready in about three weeks... we'll see!!

O wretched man that I am!

For we know that the law is spiritual: but I am carnal, sold under sin. 
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I.
If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that [it is] good. 
Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.
For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but [how] to perform that which is good I find not. 
For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me.
For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: 
But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.
O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?  

             -Romans 7:14-24

Lately, this portion of Scripture has very much described me. With an overwhelming awareness of my sins, and my complete lack of self-control over those things which "I would not," despair and depression have been knocking at my door. How do I fight my sinful inclinations? How does one uproot sins which have been embraced for as long as one can remember?

People are complex. While I profess to be a follower of Christ, at the same time, I do that which is contrary to his teachings. I want to only follow Him, but then there are moments where all I want to do is follow my sinful impulses. It seems that every fiber of my being cries out to do one thing, while my mind is telling me that I know that I shouldn't. And what happens...? I do that which I know that I shouldn't. Over and over again.

Father Michael told a story in a couple of his sermons about a young monk who went to his spiritual father and confessed, "Father, I have fallen in sin." The spiritual father told him, "Get up." The next day the young monk came to him again and said again, "Father, I have fallen in sin again." His spiritual father told him, "Get up." The next day the young monk came to him yet again and confessed the same thing, to which his spiritual father replied again, "Get up."

I suppose that is what Christianity is: a life of falling and getting up again. But most importantly, getting up again and again. The question I have is how does one not fall into depression on the one hand (through the constant facing of one's impotency against sin) and despair on the other through a realization that we will continue to fall and fall and fall? The despair, the overachieving person within me, wants me to simply give up and stop trying. If I can't get it right all the time, and I keep making the same mistakes over and over again, why bother?

But something just occurred to me. Perhaps, like Paul, I am looking at myself through the eyes of the Law. A fault of the Western worldview that I grew up in is that Western Christianity is legalistic. It views Christ, the Sacraments, and Atonement through legal means. Eastern Christianity has always seen Christ, the Sacraments, and the Atonement through a mystical means. But mystical does not mean unknown. It means that we can experience it and know that it is true, but we cannot capture it in words. God is not bound by our definitions or laws. He is. So instead of looking at my shortcomings and fallings through the eyes of the Law--in which I will ALWAYS be guilty and wrong, perhaps I need to begin taking on the mind of the East and viewing my life through the mystery of God's love for me in spite of my sins.

Paul's continues on in his letter to the Romans:

I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. 

 He thanks God... He has passed through the despair and depression to giving God thanks, through the incarnation of God--Jesus Christ. Thank you God for your mercy! Paul comes to be at peace with the fact that his flesh is sinful and keeps following "the law of sin" while his mind follows "the law of God." And yet, he insists in the next chapter that Christians must "walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit." It is not enough to be content with the mind of Christ and not walk after Him. We must be converted completely!

But conversion is painful. Conversion is slow. I am impatient. I avoid seeing what I really am and I avoid
pain. And yet, my God and Savior embraced pain. He welcomed betrayal. His death was slow.

I am only left with the words of the Jesus Prayer which give me comfort: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner!

The Life of a Layman

So changing my lifestyle from a clergyman to a layman has not been altogether easy. I do miss serving in the Altar. I miss serving others in a unique and special way. However, I can still serve others as a Christian and I can still love and pray for others. What this experience has taught me, however, is that the life of a layman is difficult.

Since I attended seminary at such a young age, it has shaped the way I think about things. For this, I am grateful. At the same time, the way I was taught, I am coming to discover, is often not quite right. Not only are the answers different in Orthodoxy, but the questions are different, too.

The life of a layman is in many ways more difficult than the life of a monastic or a priest. Let me explain. As a priest or monastic, one's entire life is caught up with the church and serving her. While there are moments of conflicting desires (seeing one's family and performing one's duty as a priest), usually the Church always wins out. As a priest or monastic, the priority is always God. This is a wonderful gift, but it is also a yoke. But it is one that is light to bear and one that gives far more than it demands of us.

As a layman, though, one's life is divided and torn among family, work, church, and numerous other things that demand our time. To try and do all that we would like to do, or all that we want to do is nearly impossible. It is hard enough to juggle family, work, not to mention one's faith--especially in a diverse family who does not always see eye-to-eye on religious matters.

This experience has given me a whole new appreciation for those in the Church who give of their time to attend Liturgies, Vespers, and the many other services that are offered. To be "on the other side of the altar" both literally and figuratively, has been something that I will not forget. I hope one day it will make me a better pastor. God willing...

Sacraments and the Church

It seems to me that we in America need to re-learn how we think about God, Jesus Christ, and the Bible. Some basic questions to start down this road might be: How do we know God? or, how have we come to know Him? What authority do we rely on to give us this information? Is it a book? Who wrote the book? How do we understand this book? At the end of the day, if we are merely students of this book, we need teachers who can help us understand what it means and how to live a life based on the reality which it professes. And if this book is true, we need a community to help us live out that life--for we cannot do it on our own. To say that we can is to simply fool ourselves.

As Christians, we believe that the Bible is the Word of God. Why? Do we believe this because we have been taught this, or because we know the Truth that it declares?

Protestants (and sometimes Roman Catholics) are often shocked and offended when they are told that the Mysteries of the Church (i.e. Sacraments: Holy Communion, Confession, Ordination, etc.) are only open to Orthodox Christians. I was recently told that they (the Orthodox) "hold the sacraments ransom as though God has ordained them as the guardians of holiness despite the lack of any Scriptural support to their claims."
 So, I want to address this assertion, and ask a few questions that may help shed a little light on the Orthodox position.

Firstly, let's start with a little history.

Imagine we are in the early Church. Let's say anytime between the 300's and 800's (after Christianity became legal to practice in the Roman Empire). Would a non-Christian be able to simply walk into a church building and even after professing Christ and being amongst the believers, would he be allowed to participate in the Mysteries without being received by Baptism, Chrismation, and then Communion? No. Not only would they have to show their faith to the community, but they would also have to be taught about the Christian faith and then receive the rites of initiation. In fact, as a non-Christian, they would only be able to participate about halfway through the service (all through the first part of the service which is known as the Liturgy of the Faithful or the Liturgy of the Word). The second half of the service, when the Mysteries of the Eucharist were given, the catechumens (the learners) would be escorted out of the temple and instructed on the Christian faith while the Faithful would receive Holy Communion during the Liturgy of the Faithful or Liturgy of the Eucharist. So in the early Church one would first show their faith by coming and worshiping as they were able. Second, they would have to be willing to learn from the community.

Let's take another example, though slightly different. What if a person during this time period came from another Christian group that followed the teachings of a bishop or priest who taught something different than what the community as a whole had received? In fact, the teachings of that bishop or priest had been so different from the rest of Christendom that the Church had to pronounce that that man had separated himself from the community because of his teachings. Would that individual who followed that bishop or priest be allowed into the community and able to receive the Mysteries? No. The individual would first have to spend time with the community and then recant any and all variant beliefs acquired through the variant clergy teachings.

Today is no different. People who enter the Orthodox church are required to undergo instruction in the Christian Faith as the community has received it since the beginning. Is all the teaching of the Church in the Bible? No. However, the most important parts are. Does that mean that the other parts are dispensable? No. Far from it. Just as we cannot have the Bible apart from the Church (for the Church wrote the Bible and the Church chose which books were to be in it), so we cannot have the Bible apart from the Church's understanding and teaching of it. We cannot dissect the Bible from the Church, nor the Church from the Bible. It is an organic and living whole. Paul exhorted the Thessalonians in his second letter to "keep the traditions which you have been taught, either by word or epistle."

How do we know God? How have we come to know Him? What authority do we rely on to give us this information? Is it a book? Who wrote the book? How do we understand this book?

I know God personally through Jesus Christ, whom I have seen made manifest in His followers by the action of the Holy Spirit. These people not only profess to love, they live it. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule, and clearly there are branches on the One True Vine that are dead. However, God is the Judge, not me.

What I do know is that the Orthodox Church has written the Bible, chosen which books were holy and to be included in its canon, and has commented on the correct interpretation of these writings. This authority to teach, to preach, to admonish, to absolve, to bind, and to loose was given to the Apostles (cf. Pentecost, John 20:21-23, Matthew 18:18, Mark 13:34, Luke 9:1, 2 Corinthians 10:8, Titus 2:15, 2 Thessalonians 2:15, etc.).

We need to ask different questions... not just seek answers that suit our taste.

Blog Layout

Due to some issues with readers being unable to post comments, I have reverted the blog layout back to a generic look. Please forgive the dull design. A web designer I am not! However, now you can post without problems.

Abortion and the Recent Health Bill

So recently the health bill passed in the US House of Representatives by a narrow margin, and not without much debate. It is, to be sure, a marked day in the history of our nation. However, will we look back on this day in fifty or so years and laud this day, or shun it?

What brings about this blog posting is really the crux of the bill, namely, the funding of abortion by the federal government. As an Orthodox Christian, abortion is viewed as murder across the board--whether done out of necessity, shame, or even rape. The taking of a life is a taking of a life. End of story.

Now that I have shocked most readers, let me give you a very good illustration of the Orthodox meaning. A priest once had one of his parishioners tell him that she was pregnant. It was all very joyous until the doctors told her that she had to have an abortion because the baby threatened her life (either a tubal pregnancy or something like that). After much prayer, talking with her priest, and tearful nights, she finally decided that she had to have the abortion. So, on the day of her abortion, her priest went with her to the abortion clinic and was there praying for her, and supporting her through that incredibly difficult time. Afterward, she confessed the sin of taking another person's life, and she was given absolution. This is the Orthodox position.

Likewise, the Orthodox position on life is so strong that it extends to war, as well. Unlike the West, Orthodox do not have a "just war" theology. All war is lamentable. And the taking of life in war is also a sin to be repented of.

For many, this might seem extreme or unjust. However, only when we look at life as a gift that only God can give, can we start to appreciate the Orthodox perspective. It is easy to kill, but only God gives life. This is why it is so precious and holy.

For those who are Pro-Choice, let me ask you this: what about the baby's choice? There is nothing more liberal than extending the rights of freedom, liberty, and life to the most helpless among us--the unborn.

For those who are Pro-Life and yet are supporters of war and the death penalty, let me say this to you: when we kill someone, we take away their opportunity to repent. If a rapist, murderer, pedophile is imprisoned for life, he has the rest of his life to repent--and as Christians, this is what we pray for! We pray earnestly for his conversion and repentance! If we kill him, though, we take away that opportunity. We tell God, "We don't think that he will change, therefore, we're sending him back to You." How arrogant! How prideful! That we should tell God that He is incapable of softening a man's heart to repentance is sinful!

Life is holy. Life is precious. It is easy to take life, but only God can give it. Let us live, and vote, and promote the precious gift God has given all of us in every aspect of our lives.

History of the Orthodox Church

You and Me Goin Pickin Wildflowers...

So my stepdad and I went fishing today, but fishing was pretty slow. Black Butte Lake used to be known as a terrific Crappie lake, and having come recently from Oklahoma (where the Crappie fishing is superb), I had high hopes. However, this is the second time that we have gone and have not had any Crappie. I will say that at least this time I caught a large mouth bass and had another on that spit out the hook before I could land it. Oh well...

So while the fishing was pretty lackluster, the weather was gorgeous and the wildflowers were spectacular! Here are some of the pictures from our outing. Enjoy!

Brewing Day!

So the last time I brewed was about a year ago... My poor beer making tools have been lying unused since then! Oh the shame! So I had a chance to go down and buy my supplies from the local homebrew shop. Nice guy--pretty knowledgeable and he helped me get what I needed. This time around it will be an apricot wheat beer. I am really looking forward to how this will turn out! Although it won't be ready for the Paschal celebration, it should be done soon after. 7-10 days for the first fermentation and another 7-10 days in the secondary fermenter, then another 7-10 days to bottle condition it. Should be lovely!

This time, I also was able to invest a little in a wort (pronounced wert) chiller. I bought some copper tubing, a couple of fittings, some clear tubing, and a few hose clamps and voila! Homemade wort chiller! I made it for about half the cost they were wanting for them in the store!

Next, I boiled my grains for about 30 minutes, removed them, added 6 2/3# malt extract, brought it to a boil, added 1 2/3 oz hops for bittering, and boiled for about an hour.

Finally, I added the last bit of hops right at the end for a little aroma, and chilled it down with my new immersion chiller. I added cold water to help bring down the temp, enough to make a little over 5 gallons, then put it in the primary fermenter after pitching in the yeast.

In a week or so, on to the secondary fermenter for clarification! :) Cheers!

To Fish or Make Beer?

My new job will hopefully begin next week. In the meantime, since it is Spring break for the college kids, my job working with my wife is on hold since a college kid will be doing what I normally do. So, I have this week to do some fun stuff!

I decided that today I am going to make some homebrew! First time in over a year since I have had the time, money, and space to make it! While my original plan was to have it ready by Pascha, it is too late in the game to have it ready by that time (it usually takes about three weeks from boil to bottle for it to be drinkable). So, I think this time around, I want to make a wheat-style beer with either apricot or peach flavors. It will be very tasty, a full flavor in the mouth, yet light on the palate. Mmm! Can't wait! I will be documenting it later on today! Cheers!

Currently Reading...

I just finished reading the book The Kite Runner. For those of you who haven't read it, fair warning: it is a heavy, heavy read. And by heavy, I mean dark. There are definitely silver linings to the dark clouds, but I would venture to say that roughly 80% of the book is that way. Anyhow, I started up a couple of other books--one recommended to me by a friend, entitled, Dancing Alone: The Quest for Orthodox Faith in the Age of False Religion by Frank Schaeffer (son of the well-known Protestant theologian Francis Schaeffer), and the second one is a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time: Dune by Frank Herbert. (What is it right now... it seems as though I'm on a kick for authors named Frank??)

First impressions of Dancing Alone: Obviously he is passionate about his struggle, his own conversion, and the history of the church. He feels betrayed in a sense, because he was raised in a family of evangelists, but who had no real connection to the historic, Apostolic Church. He finds many similarities between extreme Evangelical protestants and extreme secular atheists.

Amanda and I were talking about the tone of the book and how it felt reading his words. We definitely know what he felt--we've been there, too. However, we both agreed that for us, that was a passing stage. Yes, we had to find out for ourselves about the history of the church, about how we came to be where we are, about how our churches came to practice what they did and so forth. However, once we made that choice to enter the Orthodox Church, all those things that once seemed so important paled in comparison to what we saw in front of us.

Orthodoxy is not about pointing out how wrong everyone else is. Sometimes it feels that way, and sometimes people (like me) express rather poorly things that others can explain very simply. While I think that those initial steps do need to be taken in our intellect, once we made that transition into the Church, it was all about how are we living--every moment--in and for Christ. This is the wonder of Orthodoxy.

Orthodoxy is about praying like the Church has prayed for thousands of years--using the same prayers that saints have uttered. It is about believing the same things that Christians have believed since the very beginning! For me, I want to believe the same thing that the Apostles believed. I want to live my faith the same way that their disciples did. I want to worship and pray the way that the martyrs and confessors did. That is the faith of Jesus Christ--that is the Church--that, we are assured by Jesus Himself, the gates of Hell will not prevail against it.

So... all of this to simply say that Orthodoxy is more than a set of rules about fasting and prayer. It is a way of life. It is a worldview. It is life.

My First Experiences in the Orthodox Church

All through my seminary experience, and the six or so years after, western clergy always spoke about Eastern Orthodoxy as something exotic, foreign, and utterly different. "You wouldn't want to go there--it is so... ethnic." And so, like a parrot, I too would mimic what I had heard. Naturally, my wife and I were a little anxious that first Sunday after we had left the Anglican church. I was totally convinced that the Orthodox Church was the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. I knew that they had not changed the doctrine, worship, or practice of the Church. My only hesitancy was how that transition was going to be for us.

The first church we decided to go to was an Antiochian Church. Since they were the most friendly towards Western Rite liturgy, I thought to myself, "Here is where I want to end up." In Tulsa, Oklahoma, we were blessed to have several different flavors of Orthodoxy: Antiochian (more Middle Eastern sounding music), Greek (with its Byzantine style music), American (which came from the Russian church and its music and piety follow the Slavic tradition), and even Coptic. The priest at the Antiochian church was extremely nice and welcoming. He came right up to us before the Liturgy and welcomed us, explaining a little about Orthodox worship. After the liturgy, we were further welcomed by a very kind couple who truly took us under their wings.

My first impressions of the Antiochian church were not what I had expected. While I had been told that everything would be so foreign, it really was not. Yes, the music was a little different--but so what? Yes, they stood to pray instead of kneeling, but it was not a difficult transition. The pews in this church made it easier for a protestant like me. Regardless, it was respectful, reverent, and holy. We met with the priest after the Liturgy and told him our story. He was sympathetic with us since he was a graduate from Oral Roberts University! In fact, we came to find out later that many of the parishioners there were former ORU graduates.

The following Wednesday, we decided to attend Vespers at another Orthodox church--this time choosing to go to the Orthodox Church in America (OCA) church. We drove way out into the country where we finally found this beautiful, small, and picturesque church. The Vespers service here is where I was converted in my heart, not just my mind.

There is a story in the Orthodox Church about how the Church in Russia came to be. The short version is that Prince Vladimir sent envoys to examine the faith traditions of his day, and upon returning, this is what his envoys reported:

When we journeyed among the Bulgars, we beheld how they worship in their temple, called a mosque, while they stand ungirt. The Bulgarian bows, sits down, looks hither and thither like one possessed, and there is no happiness among them, but instead only sorrow and a dreadful stench. Their religion is not good. Then we went among the Germans, and saw them performing many ceremonies in their temples; but we beheld no glory there. Then we went on to Greece, and the Greeks led us to the edifices where they worship their God, and we knew not whether we were in heaven or on earth. For on earth there is no such splendour or such beauty, and we are at a loss how to describe it. We know only that God dwells there among men, and their service is fairer than the ceremonies of other nations. For we cannot forget that beauty. Every man, after tasting something sweet, is afterward unwilling to accept that which is bitter, and therefore we cannot dwell longer here.

This is how I felt after attending a Vespers service at Holy Apostles Orthodox Church in Tulsa, OK. All I remember is how I was praying all through the Liturgy how I hoped that my wife felt the same way... Please, God! Let her feel as I do! When we got into the car, I remember asking her under a falsely calm voice, "So, what did you think of the service?" And with great relief, she told me that she felt the same way! From then on out, we spent as much time as we could attending the services. The people were amazingly welcoming, engaging, and exactly what we needed. The priest was young, but very devout, and held high standards for himself and his congregation. It was a relief to be welcomed so warmly!

Meanwhile, since I had just quit, I was scrambling to find a new job. I was teaching a couple of classes on Spanish at Tulsa Community College, but those were not enough to pay for much. So, by the grace of God,  I was able to get two jobs in addition to teaching at the College: a full-time job at the local hospital as an Operating Room Assistant, and a part time job during the evening as a night security guard. If all the jobs weren't enough, we only had a month or so of non-fasting time before we entered Great Lent!

How I came to be Orthodox

I originally grew up in a Protestant household. My dad was raised as a Roman Catholic and my mom was raised Protestant. When they got married, they attended Protestant churches of various kinds until they divorced when I was young. My dad stopped going to church altogether, but my mom started going to the local Presbyterian church after dating my soon to be stepdad. After attending the Presbyterian Church for a number of my formative years (Junior high through High School), my mom and stepdad stopped going about midway through my senior year in High School. I kept going until after I graduated, though less and less. The head pastor retired, the associate pastor moved away, and many of the leaders with whom I was close moved away too. I felt more and more alone, and I also felt that I was getting less and less from worship there.

During this time, I met my wife. She and I started dating about two months before we graduated high school, although we had known each other since 7th grade. After months of dating, we decided that we wanted to start going to church together, since we were getting more serious in our relationship. I went to her Roman Catholic church, and the first thing I said was, "This is not church!" Then she went to my Presbyterian church and the first thing she said was, "This is not church!" So we were at an impasse for a bit. That was, until my mom told us about a traditional Anglican church that was both Catholic and Protestant.

It seemed from the outset that it was a perfect combination of what we were looking for. It satisfied both our needs, while challenging both of us to grow in our relationships and beliefs. The short version of what happened next is this: we both were confirmed in the Anglican Church (our jurisdiction was not in communion with the Anglican Church or the Episcopal Church), then married there, and a few months later, we moved to Berkeley so I could attend seminary and explore the possibility of becoming an Anglican priest.

After two years of study in Berkeley, we moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma to serve the parish which had supported us financially during my studies. At this point I was already a deacon. After about two more years of serving under the Bishop of the Diocese of the Southwestern States, I was ordained a priest and served in that parish and diocese for four more years. My wife and I finished our secular educations while we worked full time. I got a BS in Education and Spanish and my wife received her BS in Education and English. It was about this time, after we graduated from Oklahoma State University, that I began to consider seriously why we as Anglicans were not in communion with the Eastern Orthodox church.

For those who are unfamiliar with the Anglican Church, a little background is necessary... You see, Anglicans (at least traditional Anglicans) believe that they are part of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. They believe that the Roman Catholic Church and the Eastern Orthodox Church are also part of this One Church. As a Protestant, I always believed in this branch theory of the Church--that outwardly, although we may be divided and out of communion with each other, inwardly and spiritually, we were one in Christ. This is what many, if not all, Protestant churches teach.

I was convinced that these three--Anglican, Orthodox, and Catholic--were the only churches that had enough in common to perhaps reunite one day. Many Anglicans hold this position still. However, theologically speaking, Anglicans and Orthodox had more in common with each other than the Orthodox and Roman Catholics. (ex: both Anglicans and Orthodox dispute Rome's assertion of the Immaculate Conception, Papal Infallibility, Purgatory, Papal Supremacy, the Real Presence, and other teachings) It was my desire, my belief that we as Anglicans could bridge the gap between the Eastern Church (Orthodoxy) and the Western Church (Roman Catholicism). I knew that I, in and of myself could do little to nothing. However, what I did know was that I had to at least stretch out my hand in love and fellowship with an Orthodox priest or community in hopes to build a foundation of love towards that goal of unity.

That is where the trouble began!

Many years earlier, while doing research on one of our revered Bishops, Archbishop Grafton of Fon du Lac, Wisconsin, I found out that he was good friends with one Bishop Tikhon of Moscow. He and Bishop Tikhon were so close, in fact, that they invited one another to their respective services. At this time in history (1900's), it must be noted that the Episcopal Church in the USA was nothing like it is today. It was more sacramental, had not abandoned the teachings of the Fathers, and still adhered to the Scriptures. Because Orthodox Churches were so small and struggling at this time in the United States, oftentimes Orthodox bishops would encourage their Orthodox faithful to attend an Episcopal church if there was not a local Orthodox church they could go to. Getting back to the story, Bishop Grafton invited Bishop Tikhon to participate in an ordination ceremony in Fon du Lac. This was an extraordinary opportunity. Bishop Tikhon accepted the invitation and was planning on attending--that was until he became seriously ill the day before and could not make it to the ordination.

Nonetheless, this wonderful exchange of mutual love and kindness paved the way for what became known as the "Western Rite." The WR was basically the liturgy of the Episcopal Church corrected of its Western heresies: the filioque clause, a strengthened epiclesis in the Words of Institution, and naturally, praying for the local Orthodox Bishops, praying for those gone to rest in the Lord, and asking the prayers of the saints. For high church Anglicans, none of these would really change the way they practiced the Liturgy or offered the Mass. It was as if the Liturgy that came from England were purged from its Romish influences and grafted back into the fullness of Communion with the Church.

The more I looked into the WR, the more I became interested in it. I asked questions about the WR from my Anglican bishop, who wrote it off as schismatic at best. But, this did not deter me, as I knew in my heart that he was wrong. As I studied, I did find out that not all Orthodox are as willing as Bishop Tikhon and the Antiochian Orthodox Church to adopt a WR Liturgy. Regardless, I was intrigued that the liturgy that I offered (or one very similar to it) was acceptable in some Orthodox Churches.

I eventually got up the nerve to start up a conversation with a WR group online who was associated with ROCOR (the Russian Orthodox Church Outside of Russia). I told them who I was, and what my intentions were. I did not want any pretensions--just earnest dialogue and love in Christ.

Well, that is exactly what I got! As the dialogue became more and more pointed, I remember posting one reply in which I told this priest, "Until you Orthodox get off your high horse and quit calling yourselves THE TRUE CHURCH, no real progress in unity can occur. You are part of the church just like Anglicans and Roman Catholics" Heh. Man I was ignorant and prideful! Well, his reply was what I like to remember as a "virtual cyber-slap." His words were: "You are not part of the church. You are not the church. You are not a church." It was as if he had hit me in the face! I was so mad that I showed my wife his response and was hopping around the room yelling, "Can you believe the nerve of this guy?!" Well, after I calmed down, I thought, well, if there is going to be any continuing of this, I need to find out why he believes this. After all, Anglicans still are the closer to Orthodox than Roman Catholics.

And that is what really pushed me down the slippery slope. As I studied, I came to find out that what I had believed and taken for granted my entire life was wrong. I had been taught, like all Protestants (traditional Anglicans included), that the Church is one Spiritually, but outwardly we may be divided. This teaching, however, is solely the product of the Reformation. I came to find out that for the first fifteen hundred years of Christianity, the Church taught, lived, and prayed as ONE--outwardly and inwardly. The church Fathers never taught that the church was outwardly divided but inwardly one, neither did the Bible. Either you are in communion with the Church, or you are not. Either you are part of Israel, or you are not. It is that simple. Now, what God does with those who are outside of that community is not for us to say--He is the Judge, not us. However, we can say that this is where the Church is. We cannot say more than that.

I found out that this idea was called the Branch theory, and that it was never part of the teachings of the Church, that is, until the Reformers needed an excuse to change things so they could do it their way. Even when the Great Schism occurred--each side claimed to be The Church--not "part of" the Church. For me, this discovery threw me for a loop. I knew that we were not in communion with the Roman Catholics... or the Eastern Orthodox... or even other Anglican churches... We claimed to be catholic (little "c"), but in practice, when it came right down to it, we were just as Protestant as Billy Graham, Benny Hinn, and the rest. So what if we had all the outward trappings of ritual and ceremony, and even claimed apostolic succession? Apostolic succession meant nothing if we were not in communion with the Church! Just take the examples of heretics in the early church for examples--they may have had all the Apostolic Succession in the world, but without the organic, quickening, real union with the Church, they were cut off. My realization was that we were not in communion with the Church!! We did not teach or believe that there was One Church. We... no... I was a hypocrite!

So I talked and talked with my brother priests, asking them for advice, counsel, and help regarding this issue. Nothing. No help. They simply shrugged their shoulders. I went to my bishop and asked for help. He simply told me to pray more and focus on my priestly duties and to not study this issue so much. So I tried to follow his advice, but it was soon very apparent that I was wrong, wrong, wrong. How could I continue to be a priest in a church that I knew did not teach and practice what had always been taught and practiced? I was left with only one answer and that was to resign. So on January 11, 2009, I cleared out my office after the Mass, and the following Tuesday I gave my formal resignation to my bishop.

Fasting for selfish reasons

Just came across a great saying on fasting. I have often been asked by Protestant Christians why we, as Orthodox Christians, fast. The response by Bishop Kallistos Ware to this was very simple. People are all too often willing to fast from food for all sorts of selfish and vain reasons: to diet, to lose weight or to improve health. So why are we not willing to fast for the benefit of our souls?

Does a tree falling in a forest make a sound...?

YES!! This was the view from my backyard this morning... We had a lot of mistletoe infestation in our heritage walnut tree. The tree trimmers have been at it since 8:00 am--keep goin!!

Favorite Blogs...

I have a few bogs that I frequently enjoy reading. On the more political/crunchy-con side, I love to read Rod Dreher, author of the book Crunchy Cons. His blog can be found here: http://blog.beliefnet.com/roddreher/ A second blog that I enjoy reading on the more spiritual side of things is the blog by Father Stephen Freeman, an Orthodox priest from Tennessee. He has wonderful posts that are insightful and applicable to everyday life. The main thing that I enjoy about his writing is the love that permeates his words. He truly has a gift.

Today I was reading his post entitled, "Knocking on Heaven's Door." Take a look:

Try to think about the absence of God, and do realize that before you can knock at the door – and remember that it is not only at the door of the Kingdom understood in the general way, but that Christ really says ‘I am the door’ – before you knock at the door, you must realize that you are outside. If you spend your time imagining that in a mad way you are already in the Kingdom of God, there is certainly no point in knocking at any door for it to be opened. Obviously, you must look round trying to see where are the angels and the saints, and where the mansion is which belongs to you, and when you see nothing but darkness or walls, you can quite legitimately find it surprising that Paradise is so unattractive. We must all realize that we are still outsiders to the kingdom of God, and then ask ourselves ‘Where is the door and how does one knock at it?’

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This wonderful quote from Met. Anthony Bloom’s Beginning to Pray (his subsequent chapter is on ‘how to knock’) underlines the simple centrality of Christ. In discussions of Church, it is easy to lose sight of the fact that it is Christ Himself whom we seek in the Church. He is everything. This is not to say that “the Church is of little importance.” No one who has endured difficulties in order to become an Orthodox Christian would ever say such a thing. But such difficulties are rightly endured if we encounter them for the excellency of knowing Christ. If someone says, “I don’t need all that to know Christ,” there is little argument to be made. It was quite some time before I realized that the Christ I sought to know has a Bride and a Mother and brothers and sisters and is surrounded with a great cloud of witnesses. It was indeed a long time in my Christian life before I realized that to know Christ fully would require that I also know all these whom He loves. I know today that were all these others to be taken away, my knowledge of Christ would be impaired and my heart would break.

Simply wonderful... We need more things like this in our lives--at least, I do!

This blog will serve as a sounding board, a means to express thoughts that have been floating in my head, and just a general outlet for writing.